I have struggles, yes I do. I have struggles, how bout you?

Confession time!

I deleted my blog posts from two years ago because they were very personal and I felt exposed having so much of my life on the internet.   I usually tell people that I'm an open book, and I am.  So, what happened?  In a nutshell, I was afraid.  I was afraid of sharing deep, intimate parts of my life and then being rejected because of them.

Fun fact: I like being real with people.  I might even pride myself on it.  Confession #2, I'm a bit of a fake.  There are things that I don't want to talk about and there are things I will PRETEND I don't struggle with, when in fact, they consume a large portion of my thoughts.  I'm ashamed that they are my struggles.  However, God didn't call us into a life of shame.  Repentance, yes.  Shame, no.  Also, I've learned that when I can share my struggles, other people feel as though they can share theirs too.  It makes a world of difference when you know you're not alone.

I struggle with many things, more of which I will share in the future, but lately I've been struggling in my faith.  I'm a Christian, I love The Lord and I'm striving to live a life that pleases Him.  But, (of course there's a "but"), there are things that I don't know that I've experienced or that I understand, even though I'm a Christian and have grown up in the church (which really doesn't mean anything, forgive me.)  And, there's a LOT that I'm working on.

I don't know what people mean when they say they "heard the voice of God."  I've never audibly heard God say anything to me.  I don't believe that means He isn't speaking.  I think He speaks to me in other ways, and sometimes I'm not paying attention.

I also don't know what God's love "feels" like.  I know that I am loved.  I can pinpoint times in my life where I could see God paving the way for this or that or leading me to and from people and relationships to point me to something greater.  I can see God's hand in my life, but what does His love FEEL like?

Sometimes I don't want to read my bible.
  
Sometimes I do want to read my bible.  

Sometimes I forget that I need God, and then He reminds me that I desperately need Him.

Sometimes God doesn't remind me that I need Him and that scares me.

Sometimes I don't "feel" love toward people whom I love very deeply. 

I'm trying to get into the practice of loving people even when I don't feel like it, because I don't want how I act in love to be based off of how I'm feeling or not feeling at the time.  Feelings come and go but I want to love unconditionally, consistently, sacrificially, and with humility.  This is how Christ loved the church, and, it amazes me how He never stopped.  I don't always feel happy loving feelings toward my family, friends, or even sometimes my boyfriend (gasp!).  So, I'm working on choosing to love anyway, because Jesus loves ME anyway, and I know that I am very undeserving.

I am a very flawed human being.  I have many struggles.  

But, I'm loved anyway.  You are loved anyway.  We are all loved anyway.

And that's beautiful.