Joel Olsteen was on TV this morning and he was talking about
how if you pray, if you have a good attitude, if you have faith that God will
do the things you want- then He’ll do them.
I disagree, Joel.
This puts too much focus on me, too much focus on my faith,
and not enough emphasis on the Lord.
Yes, He is able to do immeasurably more than we ask (Ephesians 3:20). Yes, He knows and wants what’s best for
us. However, this doesn't mean that if I
pray hard enough and think positively enough that I will get what I want.
This brings me to the goodness of God. I've been wrestling with it for a year.
About a year ago I left a life I enjoyed and people I loved
and moved home.
I had to start all over.
I didn't want to start over.
Starting over can be terrifying. I
thought I was building a life and in a matter of one conversation I was thrown
backwards. Moving back in with my
parents after being independent for 2 years, going back to a job I had left 8
months prior, trying to find a sense of belonging in a church I was detached
from.
Don’t get me wrong, I was welcomed back with open arms. I have the most amazing family, they love me
so much.
It was just so much change, and it happened all in one day.
And it was scary.
I was angry. I was
sad. I was confused.
And I thought, God, what are you doing? (Actually, my words were a lot more explicit
than that.)
God, where is your goodness?
God, where is your mercy? God, where is your hope? I asked over and over
again.
It took me a long time to find it. It was a process, it was a journey.
In hindsight, in those months before I left, I lost sight of
who I was. I wasn't living a good
story. I was unknowingly sinking deeper
and deeper into a depression that didn't hit me until my eyes were opened to
just how miserable I had been. I think
that was God’s way of protecting me- He didn't want me to know everything until
He had given me the strength to handle it. I didn't realize how hard I had been fighting
and pushing God away saying no, I’m going to do this my way. And, being God, He let me do it my way for a
while until it all hit the fan and He said no, I can’t let you do this anymore,
I love you too much, it's time to go home.
And that’s where the goodness is. He let me suffer for a while because there
was no other way for my heart to be healed and my joy to be restored. I had to learn my way around the pain I was
feeling before I would be able to be healed from it.
He brought me out of the pit of sadness and confusion and
gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40). That’s
where the goodness is, and that’s where I’ve found hope.
And now, I’m living a better story.
