Goodness.

Joel Olsteen was on TV this morning and he was talking about how if you pray, if you have a good attitude, if you have faith that God will do the things you want- then He’ll do them.

I disagree, Joel.

This puts too much focus on me, too much focus on my faith, and not enough emphasis on the Lord.  Yes, He is able to do immeasurably more than we ask (Ephesians 3:20).  Yes, He knows and wants what’s best for us.  However, this doesn't mean that if I pray hard enough and think positively enough that I will get what I want.

This brings me to the goodness of God.  I've been wrestling with it for a year.

About a year ago I left a life I enjoyed and people I loved and moved home. 

I had to start all over.

I didn't want to start over.  Starting over can be terrifying.  I thought I was building a life and in a matter of one conversation I was thrown backwards.  Moving back in with my parents after being independent for 2 years, going back to a job I had left 8 months prior, trying to find a sense of belonging in a church I was detached from.  

Don’t get me wrong, I was welcomed back with open arms.  I have the most amazing family, they love me so much. 

It was just so much change, and it happened all in one day.

And it was scary.

I was angry.  I was sad.  I was confused.

And I thought, God, what are you doing?  (Actually, my words were a lot more explicit than that.) 

God, where is your goodness?  God, where is your mercy? God, where is your hope? I asked over and over again.

It took me a long time to find it.  It was a process, it was a journey.  

In hindsight, in those months before I left, I lost sight of who I was.  I wasn't living a good story.  I was unknowingly sinking deeper and deeper into a depression that didn't hit me until my eyes were opened to just how miserable I had been.  I think that was God’s way of protecting me- He didn't want me to know everything until He had given me the strength to handle it.  I didn't realize how hard I had been fighting and pushing God away saying no, I’m going to do this my way.  And, being God, He let me do it my way for a while until it all hit the fan and He said no, I can’t let you do this anymore, I love you too much, it's time to go home.    

And that’s where the goodness is.  He let me suffer for a while because there was no other way for my heart to be healed and my joy to be restored.  I had to learn my way around the pain I was feeling before I would be able to be healed from it.  

He brought me out of the pit of sadness and confusion and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40).  That’s where the goodness is, and that’s where I’ve found hope.

And now, I’m living a better story.