Harry Potter, Daniel Fast Part 2, and Being Veganish: more thoughts

I'm really, really excited to write this post.  Like, I'm so overwhelmed with happiness that I might just cry.  Hold on..Emma? Crying? What a shock! (she typed sarcastically). 

You may remember, I talked in my last post about my unhealthy relationship with food.  Food was my frenemy.  For most of my life, food provided a strange yet equal amount of comfort and stress.

Tomorrow will be three weeks since I started my modified version of the Daniel Fast.  A typical Daniel Fast ends at three weeks, but my commitment is to the end of Lent, and I still have a ways to go.  However, I'm finding myself liking this way of eating (say WHAT!).  A friend used the word "vegan-ish", and I like that.  Mind you, I am a lover of cheeseburgers, french fries, and all things greasy... but I'm finding that they're becoming less and less appealing.  This new way of living is incredibly healthy, it's making me look at the ingredients labels on EVERYTHING, and I have just as much energy to run as I did when I was still eating meat and carbs.  On top of all of these really great things (!!!!this is the part I'm so excited about!!!!) being veganish is changing my relationship with food.

Let me say this again and in bold for emphasis, my relationship with food is changing. 

I chose the fast because I wanted to be mindful of what was going into my body.  I believe that we are all created uniquely by God and with the utmost love.  I wanted to honor His creation.  I had no idea God would use this as a huge turning point in my life.

Since starting this fast, for the first time in a very long time, I am not stressed about food.  I don't feel guilty for eating on days in which I haven't worked out.  I'm not concerned with counting calories or carbs.  I'm not starving or overeating.  I think, for the first time in quite some time, I'm experiencing a healthy "normal" relationship with food.  

Food is no longer my frenemy.  

I am finally winning my battle against an eating disorder mentality.  An eating disorder mentality can seem hopeless, adding to the anxiety that one is already experiencing about food.  I remember countless times when I've wondered if I would ever be able to eat and experience food in a "normal" way.  Right now, I'm getting there.  I'm winning.  

Pardon me while I have a nerd moment to explain just how awesome this feels in a bunch of run on sentences. (Harry Potter SPOILER ALERT) 

It's like in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when Voldemort and Harry meet at the Battle of Hogwarts and their wands lock and the magical force goes back and forth between their wands, but then it slowly yet powerfully makes its way toward Voldemort and everyone is like YES! GO HARRY! YOU CAN DO THIS! Voldemort tries to pull the ol' Avada Kedavra on Harry not knowing that Harry is the true master of the Elder Wand, and it backfires and Voldemort dies once and for all and FINALLY the wizard world (and muggles like me) can breathe a sigh of relief and REJOICE! 

It's kind of like that.  It's so exciting.  Ah. 

Regina George, Daniel Fast, & Weight

I'm doing the Daniel Fast for the duration of Lent.  Well, I'm doing a modified version-- I added eggs and I'm including wine and cider in the fruit group (you can laugh, but don't judge me).  I added these foods because I'm a runner and need protein, and, let's be real here, I like an occasional glass of wine.  

I should tell you, my purpose for doing the fast is not for prayer and meditation.  My purpose for doing the fast strays a bit from the fast's intent.  

My purpose is to be mindful of what I'm putting into my body.  I don't understand what many of the ingredients are in most processed foods that are labeled "healthy"... and that worries me.  So, by eating only fruit, veggies, eggs, nuts, and whole grains (quinoa, oats), I know what's going into my body because the foods haven't been too terribly tampered with.

I'm almost a week in, and in reflecting on treating my body well, I'm reminded that it's more than just eating healthy.  It's appreciating the body. 

Most of you don't know that I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I won't go too in depth, but, I've struggled with weight and body image for as long as I can remember.  I recently read an article called "10 Struggles of Being Not Fat But Not Skinny Either", and for the first time I felt like someone else understood what I've experienced most of my life.  The writer quoted Regina George (of the ever-quotable Mean Girls), "I just want to lose three pounds!" We were supposed to laugh because that's absurd!  What difference does three pounds make!  How silly.  

False.  I get it, Regina.  I get it. 

Seven pounds is my number right now, by the way.  But, would that really be enough?  What sort of satisfaction am I hoping to gain by losing a simple seven pounds?  

We see headlines on magazines about all of the latest diets and detoxes, but it's more than wanting to look a certain way.  I believe it goes much deeper than that.  It ties into our self-worth.

I would like to see a headline that says "I'm a size 10 and I feel AWESOME!"

It's a sad truth that I don't appreciate the way my body looks most of the time.  In fact, I believe that most women and perhaps even men are, for the most part, insecure with how they look.  I saw a statistic that 91% of women are unhappy with the way they look and will seek dieting to achieve their desired body shape.  

So, why don't we talk to eachother about it?  

If a majority of us are experiencing the same struggle in one form or another, if it's causing eating disorders, excessive exercising, extreme diets, depression, anxiety, a combination of all of the above, the list goes on...

Why. Aren't. We. Talking. About. It. ?

Is it embarrassing? For me, yes. Does it make you vulnerable? Sure does.  Is talking about this a sign of weakness? No. Absolutely not.  Stop telling yourself that. 

STOP ridiculing the way you look, and appreciate the body you've been given.  Stop looking in the mirror from all angles, ten times a day.  Stop being obsessed with the number on the scale, because what does it really measure anyway?  It doesn't measure your beauty or, most importantly, your worth.

DO start being honest with yourself.  What do I want to gain by losing weight?  Is this the best way to achieve that?  Is my struggle with weight just a symptom of a bigger issue?

GO start a conversation.  With your best friend, with your mom, your husband, your wife-- the important thing is to talk about it.  I'm so tired of not being able to talk about it.  

REMEMBER your value does not come from your looks.  Most people struggle with body image.  It doesn't have to be embarrassing.  We can help one another.

It takes bravery and courage to admit our struggles and be honest with ourselves.

Be brave. Let's talk about it. 

pardon me while I toot my own horn...

The mother of the baby girl I watch during the week paid me the highest compliment yesterday. 

I heard her say to a friend, about her daughter, "She is never so consistently happy to see someone, as she is to see Emma." 

And just like that, I was on nanny cloud nine. Beaming with pride and joy. 

I play with this sweet baby, I change her diapers, clean up her messes, I feed her, I rock her to sleep.  She cries, she laughs, she's a funny little lady. 

And she LIKES me! She really, really likes me! 

I knew this little baby was usually happy to see me, but I didn't know mine was such a special greeting. 

There is no point to this post other than to say, it is in these moments that I feel like I have a purpose and that the things I do, matter. That I've been blessed with a gift and that I'm using it well.

There are no awards or trophies given to really great mothers, fathers, or other caregivers, but I'm learning more and more that when you take on a life of caring for others, the reward is the privilege and the gift to be able to do so. 

And if you're lucky enough, they like you. They really, really like you. 

Musings From The Can

The start of a new year always has me thinking. So, naturally, I must blog.

As I begin to type this blog post, I am sitting on the toilet. I'm not sure how relevant or appropriate that was to share with you, but I think it adds a little flare to this post. Maybe I'll call this one, "Musings From The Can".

(Mom, was that too much? Are you embarrassed for me? I know you're reading this, sorry!)

Also, to kick off the New Year and a new year of blog posts, I should preemptively apologize for the poor grammatical quality of my writing-- past, present, and future.  This should really be a disclaimer at the bottom of my page. Oh well. 

Now, let the new year musings begin.

- I've been filled with many thoughts lately, mostly questions without answers. Sometimes having so many answerless questions makes me feel alone. But, there's no such thing as a stupid question, so I think we should say the same about lonely questions. There's no such thing as a lonely question. 

- What if my life doesn't turn out the way I want and hope it will?  

- What if life takes me down a path and I end up getting hurt? I mean like, pull a Bella Swan and stare out a window while a camera does a 360 around me and shows the seasons changing outside my window.  Btw-- that scene never showed her eating, sleeping, drinking, or using the bathroom.  Add that to my list of reasons why I doubt that Twilight is real.

- Why do so many wonderful people I love lack confidence in themselves?

- Why is food intake sometimes the only thing a person can control?

- Why don't I treat myself with the kindness I treat others with?

- I'm a nanny right now, and I love it, but what's next?

- What's next, period...?

- Why is love so simple and yet so complex?  

- Sometimes I'd like to figuratively punch the following things in their figurative faces: bathroom scales, alcohol, weed, porn, mean self-talk, condescension, selfishness, the potholes on the ramp from 175W to 295S, the glorification of "busyness", the idea that my or your way is the best way and anything else is wrong or inferior, odds that seem to be not in my favor, succumbing to doubt.

- I would like to bottle up the following things and save them for when I need them most: hope, sunshine, laughter, peace, warmth, perseverance, humility, confidence, patience, love, joy, rain, and grace.

One final thought for those of you who didn't stop reading my rambling thoughts after I mentioned that I'm writing from a toilet seat...

Celine Dion would say, "What do you say to taking chances"?  And typically, I would confidently reply, "No way! Ew! Yuck!"... but, in taking a step back and looking at my life, the decisions I've made this year would say otherwise.  

I've taken risks.  Lots of them.  I, Emma Wetzel, am in a state of vulnerability right now.  Weeeee!

I'm anxious, excited, confident, nervous, wondering if I'm a lunatic, and joyful all at the same time.

Not to mention, I'm scared as hell.

Because hell is a scary place.

And this is my blog and I'm allowed to say "hell" on my blog, dammit.

(sorry again, Mom)

Happy New Year!

"It's okay, I love you."

One time, when I was pretty young-- I would say 3 or 4 years old, I had a meltdown in a restaurant. The kind of meltdown that caused people to stare at my parents and debate calling child services. Mind you, I was a content child. I wasn't one to cause a scene. 

What caused my meltdown?

My mom stole a french fry off my plate. 

I was devastated.  I could not understand why she would do such a thing! 

I don't remember what happened to calm the situation, but knowing how my mom has handled my meltdowns since, I bet it looked something like this: 

First, since it was merely a french fry she probably struggled to suppress her laughter. Second, I'm sure I ended up on her lap---I'm a bit of a cuddler. Want to calm me down? Hug me. Shuts me up pretty quickly. Third, I imagine she brushed my hair out of my face (it's always in my face) and reassured me, "It's okay, I love you." 

I've been blessed with loving parents and so that helps me understand how God loves and parents me. 

I am still an outwardly emotional person--- I'm a crier. If I'm overwhelmed in anyway--be it for happy or sad reasons--- the waterworks start flowing. Sometimes a bunch of things have built up over time and my heart and my head explode with thoughts and feelings and the debris comes out through my eyes. 

And so, God meets me at my breaking point. He has always met me there, and by that I mean, he patiently waits for me while I finish trying to make every last effort to handle life on my own. I'm so stubborn sometimes. 

But then I surrender, defeated. I have lost the lonely battle for and unintentionally against myself. 

And I'm met with a peace that surpasses all understanding. 

And I feel a familiar, "It's okay, I love you," softly resounding in my soul. 

"...just because we are the things called selves."

Things that do not define my self-worth: 

My goals. 

My achievements. 

My struggles. 

The opinions of others. 

My opinions of myself. 

My shortcomings. 

The amount of love I receive from others.

The amount of love I give. 

And the list goes on...

It's humbling to know that as an incredibly flawed being living in a broken world surrounded by billions of other flawed beings, we are loved unconditionally by an all knowing, all powerful, perfect God. To top it off, we are loved simply because we exist. 

C.S. Lewis once said, "Perhaps it makes it easier if we remember that that is how He loves us. Not for any nice, attractive qualities we think we have, but just because we are the things called selves." (Mere Christianity)

We will never be able to love or be loved by others in this perfect way, in this life. 

Which brings me back to my first and second posts.  I talked about how I don't know what God's love feels like. 

I think I'm getting there. Let me explain. 

I know how much I love my family. I know how much I love my best friends. 

This love, at times, is more than words can adequately describe. 

"I love you" just doesn't seem like enough. 

So, thinking about this, I'm overwhelmed knowing that even though there's a lot I don't know and understand about God's love, I know this: He loves me more than I love the most important people in my life.

He loves me more than the love that, at times, is more than words can adequately describe. 

More than THAT ^^^ 

This love is beyond my understanding and more than I can fathom.  I can barely find the words to describe the way I love, much less the way I am loved by the God of the universe. 

But because I do know HOW I love, I think I understand more of what it's like to love God back. 

God, who seems so close and yet so far away at the same time. God, who is so much bigger and more amazing than I can comprehend. Who loves in the face of rejection, who meets hatred with compassion, who forgives time and again, who lets us choose Him, who grieves with us and for us. God, who always is and always was and always will be. 

God, who in His very nature IS love. 

Knowing that loving someone is a choice and knowing that God chooses to love me so unconditionally, flaws and all, and simply knowing that this love is perfect and bigger and better than the love I have ever had for anyone, makes me want to choose to love Him back. 

I don't know if that's how it's supposed to work, but I'm a work in progress. 

It's a wonderful thing, to be known and loved anyway. 

I'm not a writer, but my life is a story.

Donald Miller introduced me to the idea of my life being a story, about how a character undergoes challenges and comes out on the other end a different person.  

Character transformation.

Learning new things.

Learning tough things.

Also, unlearning things.

I think I'm in the midst of a character transformation.  I think I'm at a turning point in my story.  Don (yeah, I call him Don) tells a story about how he climbed a mountain with a group of people (which is a much greater feat than I'm describing) and how yes, they could have taken the easy road to get to their destination.  They could have even taken a bus.

But they didn't.  

And the view at the end was that much more amazing for it.

He said, "The story made us different characters than we would have been if we had skipped the story and showed up at the ending an easier way.” 

So, we push through the struggles, confusion, hurt, and exhaustion---because yes, it is exhausting. We ask ourselves terribly difficult questions.  We dig through introspective layers to get to the answers, sometimes only to find more questions.

And we come out on the other side, changed.  

I know what I want from this turning point in my story.

(that sounds controlling)

I want to be more compassionate.

I want to do things that matter.

I want to be more encouraging.

I want to be more in-tune with the needs around me.

I want to challenge myself.

I want to challenge others.

I want to have a better grasp on humility.

I want to learn to love people the way they need it instead of the way I want to love them.

I no longer want to be afraid of failing.

Oh, and, I want to remember that my story isn't about me, entirely.  We are all a part of something far bigger and greater.  As Don wrote, we are all trees in a story about a forest.

It's a challenging chapter, this one. 

And yet, it's overwhelmingly beautiful and it's full of undeserved grace.