It’s always better when we’re together.

Together is better than not together. 

This is the mantra of our marriage. Solidarity is our theme. We're taking that "two become one" thing and applying it to our time, our decisions, our words. Because when you begin to consider another person in literally everything, it puts "it is not self-seeking" through a lense you've never viewed before. 

It is better to wake up at the same time. 

It is better to go grocery shopping together. 

It is better to drive together, even if it means more gas and doesn't make practical sense. "One Car Sunday" is a non federal holiday we established early in our dating relationship- because when you have one partner working full time+ in church ministry and you have the other working full time as well, quality time becomes creative. This is also how "Take Your Wife To Work Day" came to be, which happens every Friday. Coincidentally, it also falls on the same day as "Pick Your Wife Up From Work Day".

Quality time is key. Communication is key. Selfless actions are key. 

This means I will spend an extra hour in the car today and get home an hour later because I value the conversation we have after your hockey games.  

I will sleep on an air mattress for 3 months 4 nights out of the week, because every spare minute counts.

And you will get up an hour sooner than you actually need to, because our best conversations happen over a cup of fresh black coffee. 

You will put that softball team on hold while we plan our wedding. 

And when I'm overwhelmed by the pressure I put on myself to be a great wife, daughter, casual vegan, runner, social worker, you say, quit trying to be awesome by yourself. Our marriage is about taking the things we value, shaping them in the context of our marriage, and being awesome together. 

And you're right. I'm my best me, when I'm with you. 

Goodness.

Joel Olsteen was on TV this morning and he was talking about how if you pray, if you have a good attitude, if you have faith that God will do the things you want- then He’ll do them.

I disagree, Joel.

This puts too much focus on me, too much focus on my faith, and not enough emphasis on the Lord.  Yes, He is able to do immeasurably more than we ask (Ephesians 3:20).  Yes, He knows and wants what’s best for us.  However, this doesn't mean that if I pray hard enough and think positively enough that I will get what I want.

This brings me to the goodness of God.  I've been wrestling with it for a year.

About a year ago I left a life I enjoyed and people I loved and moved home. 

I had to start all over.

I didn't want to start over.  Starting over can be terrifying.  I thought I was building a life and in a matter of one conversation I was thrown backwards.  Moving back in with my parents after being independent for 2 years, going back to a job I had left 8 months prior, trying to find a sense of belonging in a church I was detached from.  

Don’t get me wrong, I was welcomed back with open arms.  I have the most amazing family, they love me so much. 

It was just so much change, and it happened all in one day.

And it was scary.

I was angry.  I was sad.  I was confused.

And I thought, God, what are you doing?  (Actually, my words were a lot more explicit than that.) 

God, where is your goodness?  God, where is your mercy? God, where is your hope? I asked over and over again.

It took me a long time to find it.  It was a process, it was a journey.  

In hindsight, in those months before I left, I lost sight of who I was.  I wasn't living a good story.  I was unknowingly sinking deeper and deeper into a depression that didn't hit me until my eyes were opened to just how miserable I had been.  I think that was God’s way of protecting me- He didn't want me to know everything until He had given me the strength to handle it.  I didn't realize how hard I had been fighting and pushing God away saying no, I’m going to do this my way.  And, being God, He let me do it my way for a while until it all hit the fan and He said no, I can’t let you do this anymore, I love you too much, it's time to go home.    

And that’s where the goodness is.  He let me suffer for a while because there was no other way for my heart to be healed and my joy to be restored.  I had to learn my way around the pain I was feeling before I would be able to be healed from it.  

He brought me out of the pit of sadness and confusion and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40).  That’s where the goodness is, and that’s where I’ve found hope.

And now, I’m living a better story. 

Beauty in pain.

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places" -Hemingway 

There is beauty in pain. There is a sacredness in tears- tears of immeasurable grief and love. 

Tonight I am hurting, but I am also thankful. 

I'm thankful for The Lord who holds on tightly to me and never lets me go. 
Who pulls me up out of the pit of despair and gives me a firm place to stand. 
The Lord who redeems my darkest of times. 
Who works everything together for the good of those who love Him. 
He who finishes what He starts. 
He who gives the peace that no one understands at times when life seems unbearable. 
He whose understanding has no limit. 
The Lord whose love knows no bounds. 

You see, my heart is broken. I've known great heartache twice before in my life, and now here I am again. I don't understand what The Lord is doing. I don't understand why I'm faced with such grief and loss again. There is a lot I don't know and a lot I don't understand. 

But what I do know is this-

The Lord will never leave me. 
He will be my strength. 
He will fight for me. 
He will redeem this time of pain. 
He will give me a new song to sing. 
He will love me always.

And because of my story, people will be amazed by Him and His great love and power. 

Therein lies the beauty. 

Harry Potter, Daniel Fast Part 2, and Being Veganish: more thoughts

I'm really, really excited to write this post.  Like, I'm so overwhelmed with happiness that I might just cry.  Hold on..Emma? Crying? What a shock! (she typed sarcastically). 

You may remember, I talked in my last post about my unhealthy relationship with food.  Food was my frenemy.  For most of my life, food provided a strange yet equal amount of comfort and stress.

Tomorrow will be three weeks since I started my modified version of the Daniel Fast.  A typical Daniel Fast ends at three weeks, but my commitment is to the end of Lent, and I still have a ways to go.  However, I'm finding myself liking this way of eating (say WHAT!).  A friend used the word "vegan-ish", and I like that.  Mind you, I am a lover of cheeseburgers, french fries, and all things greasy... but I'm finding that they're becoming less and less appealing.  This new way of living is incredibly healthy, it's making me look at the ingredients labels on EVERYTHING, and I have just as much energy to run as I did when I was still eating meat and carbs.  On top of all of these really great things (!!!!this is the part I'm so excited about!!!!) being veganish is changing my relationship with food.

Let me say this again and in bold for emphasis, my relationship with food is changing. 

I chose the fast because I wanted to be mindful of what was going into my body.  I believe that we are all created uniquely by God and with the utmost love.  I wanted to honor His creation.  I had no idea God would use this as a huge turning point in my life.

Since starting this fast, for the first time in a very long time, I am not stressed about food.  I don't feel guilty for eating on days in which I haven't worked out.  I'm not concerned with counting calories or carbs.  I'm not starving or overeating.  I think, for the first time in quite some time, I'm experiencing a healthy "normal" relationship with food.  

Food is no longer my frenemy.  

I am finally winning my battle against an eating disorder mentality.  An eating disorder mentality can seem hopeless, adding to the anxiety that one is already experiencing about food.  I remember countless times when I've wondered if I would ever be able to eat and experience food in a "normal" way.  Right now, I'm getting there.  I'm winning.  

Pardon me while I have a nerd moment to explain just how awesome this feels in a bunch of run on sentences. (Harry Potter SPOILER ALERT) 

It's like in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when Voldemort and Harry meet at the Battle of Hogwarts and their wands lock and the magical force goes back and forth between their wands, but then it slowly yet powerfully makes its way toward Voldemort and everyone is like YES! GO HARRY! YOU CAN DO THIS! Voldemort tries to pull the ol' Avada Kedavra on Harry not knowing that Harry is the true master of the Elder Wand, and it backfires and Voldemort dies once and for all and FINALLY the wizard world (and muggles like me) can breathe a sigh of relief and REJOICE! 

It's kind of like that.  It's so exciting.  Ah. 

Regina George, Daniel Fast, & Weight

I'm doing the Daniel Fast for the duration of Lent.  Well, I'm doing a modified version-- I added eggs and I'm including wine and cider in the fruit group (you can laugh, but don't judge me).  I added these foods because I'm a runner and need protein, and, let's be real here, I like an occasional glass of wine.  

I should tell you, my purpose for doing the fast is not for prayer and meditation.  My purpose for doing the fast strays a bit from the fast's intent.  

My purpose is to be mindful of what I'm putting into my body.  I don't understand what many of the ingredients are in most processed foods that are labeled "healthy"... and that worries me.  So, by eating only fruit, veggies, eggs, nuts, and whole grains (quinoa, oats), I know what's going into my body because the foods haven't been too terribly tampered with.

I'm almost a week in, and in reflecting on treating my body well, I'm reminded that it's more than just eating healthy.  It's appreciating the body. 

Most of you don't know that I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I won't go too in depth, but, I've struggled with weight and body image for as long as I can remember.  I recently read an article called "10 Struggles of Being Not Fat But Not Skinny Either", and for the first time I felt like someone else understood what I've experienced most of my life.  The writer quoted Regina George (of the ever-quotable Mean Girls), "I just want to lose three pounds!" We were supposed to laugh because that's absurd!  What difference does three pounds make!  How silly.  

False.  I get it, Regina.  I get it. 

Seven pounds is my number right now, by the way.  But, would that really be enough?  What sort of satisfaction am I hoping to gain by losing a simple seven pounds?  

We see headlines on magazines about all of the latest diets and detoxes, but it's more than wanting to look a certain way.  I believe it goes much deeper than that.  It ties into our self-worth.

I would like to see a headline that says "I'm a size 10 and I feel AWESOME!"

It's a sad truth that I don't appreciate the way my body looks most of the time.  In fact, I believe that most women and perhaps even men are, for the most part, insecure with how they look.  I saw a statistic that 91% of women are unhappy with the way they look and will seek dieting to achieve their desired body shape.  

So, why don't we talk to eachother about it?  

If a majority of us are experiencing the same struggle in one form or another, if it's causing eating disorders, excessive exercising, extreme diets, depression, anxiety, a combination of all of the above, the list goes on...

Why. Aren't. We. Talking. About. It. ?

Is it embarrassing? For me, yes. Does it make you vulnerable? Sure does.  Is talking about this a sign of weakness? No. Absolutely not.  Stop telling yourself that. 

STOP ridiculing the way you look, and appreciate the body you've been given.  Stop looking in the mirror from all angles, ten times a day.  Stop being obsessed with the number on the scale, because what does it really measure anyway?  It doesn't measure your beauty or, most importantly, your worth.

DO start being honest with yourself.  What do I want to gain by losing weight?  Is this the best way to achieve that?  Is my struggle with weight just a symptom of a bigger issue?

GO start a conversation.  With your best friend, with your mom, your husband, your wife-- the important thing is to talk about it.  I'm so tired of not being able to talk about it.  

REMEMBER your value does not come from your looks.  Most people struggle with body image.  It doesn't have to be embarrassing.  We can help one another.

It takes bravery and courage to admit our struggles and be honest with ourselves.

Be brave. Let's talk about it. 

pardon me while I toot my own horn...

The mother of the baby girl I watch during the week paid me the highest compliment yesterday. 

I heard her say to a friend, about her daughter, "She is never so consistently happy to see someone, as she is to see Emma." 

And just like that, I was on nanny cloud nine. Beaming with pride and joy. 

I play with this sweet baby, I change her diapers, clean up her messes, I feed her, I rock her to sleep.  She cries, she laughs, she's a funny little lady. 

And she LIKES me! She really, really likes me! 

I knew this little baby was usually happy to see me, but I didn't know mine was such a special greeting. 

There is no point to this post other than to say, it is in these moments that I feel like I have a purpose and that the things I do, matter. That I've been blessed with a gift and that I'm using it well.

There are no awards or trophies given to really great mothers, fathers, or other caregivers, but I'm learning more and more that when you take on a life of caring for others, the reward is the privilege and the gift to be able to do so. 

And if you're lucky enough, they like you. They really, really like you. 

Musings From The Can

The start of a new year always has me thinking. So, naturally, I must blog.

As I begin to type this blog post, I am sitting on the toilet. I'm not sure how relevant or appropriate that was to share with you, but I think it adds a little flare to this post. Maybe I'll call this one, "Musings From The Can".

(Mom, was that too much? Are you embarrassed for me? I know you're reading this, sorry!)

Also, to kick off the New Year and a new year of blog posts, I should preemptively apologize for the poor grammatical quality of my writing-- past, present, and future.  This should really be a disclaimer at the bottom of my page. Oh well. 

Now, let the new year musings begin.

- I've been filled with many thoughts lately, mostly questions without answers. Sometimes having so many answerless questions makes me feel alone. But, there's no such thing as a stupid question, so I think we should say the same about lonely questions. There's no such thing as a lonely question. 

- What if my life doesn't turn out the way I want and hope it will?  

- What if life takes me down a path and I end up getting hurt? I mean like, pull a Bella Swan and stare out a window while a camera does a 360 around me and shows the seasons changing outside my window.  Btw-- that scene never showed her eating, sleeping, drinking, or using the bathroom.  Add that to my list of reasons why I doubt that Twilight is real.

- Why do so many wonderful people I love lack confidence in themselves?

- Why is food intake sometimes the only thing a person can control?

- Why don't I treat myself with the kindness I treat others with?

- I'm a nanny right now, and I love it, but what's next?

- What's next, period...?

- Why is love so simple and yet so complex?  

- Sometimes I'd like to figuratively punch the following things in their figurative faces: bathroom scales, alcohol, weed, porn, mean self-talk, condescension, selfishness, the potholes on the ramp from 175W to 295S, the glorification of "busyness", the idea that my or your way is the best way and anything else is wrong or inferior, odds that seem to be not in my favor, succumbing to doubt.

- I would like to bottle up the following things and save them for when I need them most: hope, sunshine, laughter, peace, warmth, perseverance, humility, confidence, patience, love, joy, rain, and grace.

One final thought for those of you who didn't stop reading my rambling thoughts after I mentioned that I'm writing from a toilet seat...

Celine Dion would say, "What do you say to taking chances"?  And typically, I would confidently reply, "No way! Ew! Yuck!"... but, in taking a step back and looking at my life, the decisions I've made this year would say otherwise.  

I've taken risks.  Lots of them.  I, Emma Wetzel, am in a state of vulnerability right now.  Weeeee!

I'm anxious, excited, confident, nervous, wondering if I'm a lunatic, and joyful all at the same time.

Not to mention, I'm scared as hell.

Because hell is a scary place.

And this is my blog and I'm allowed to say "hell" on my blog, dammit.

(sorry again, Mom)

Happy New Year!

"It's okay, I love you."

One time, when I was pretty young-- I would say 3 or 4 years old, I had a meltdown in a restaurant. The kind of meltdown that caused people to stare at my parents and debate calling child services. Mind you, I was a content child. I wasn't one to cause a scene. 

What caused my meltdown?

My mom stole a french fry off my plate. 

I was devastated.  I could not understand why she would do such a thing! 

I don't remember what happened to calm the situation, but knowing how my mom has handled my meltdowns since, I bet it looked something like this: 

First, since it was merely a french fry she probably struggled to suppress her laughter. Second, I'm sure I ended up on her lap---I'm a bit of a cuddler. Want to calm me down? Hug me. Shuts me up pretty quickly. Third, I imagine she brushed my hair out of my face (it's always in my face) and reassured me, "It's okay, I love you." 

I've been blessed with loving parents and so that helps me understand how God loves and parents me. 

I am still an outwardly emotional person--- I'm a crier. If I'm overwhelmed in anyway--be it for happy or sad reasons--- the waterworks start flowing. Sometimes a bunch of things have built up over time and my heart and my head explode with thoughts and feelings and the debris comes out through my eyes. 

And so, God meets me at my breaking point. He has always met me there, and by that I mean, he patiently waits for me while I finish trying to make every last effort to handle life on my own. I'm so stubborn sometimes. 

But then I surrender, defeated. I have lost the lonely battle for and unintentionally against myself. 

And I'm met with a peace that surpasses all understanding. 

And I feel a familiar, "It's okay, I love you," softly resounding in my soul. 

"...just because we are the things called selves."

Things that do not define my self-worth: 

My goals. 

My achievements. 

My struggles. 

The opinions of others. 

My opinions of myself. 

My shortcomings. 

The amount of love I receive from others.

The amount of love I give. 

And the list goes on...

It's humbling to know that as an incredibly flawed being living in a broken world surrounded by billions of other flawed beings, we are loved unconditionally by an all knowing, all powerful, perfect God. To top it off, we are loved simply because we exist. 

C.S. Lewis once said, "Perhaps it makes it easier if we remember that that is how He loves us. Not for any nice, attractive qualities we think we have, but just because we are the things called selves." (Mere Christianity)

We will never be able to love or be loved by others in this perfect way, in this life. 

Which brings me back to my first and second posts.  I talked about how I don't know what God's love feels like. 

I think I'm getting there. Let me explain. 

I know how much I love my family. I know how much I love my best friends. 

This love, at times, is more than words can adequately describe. 

"I love you" just doesn't seem like enough. 

So, thinking about this, I'm overwhelmed knowing that even though there's a lot I don't know and understand about God's love, I know this: He loves me more than I love the most important people in my life.

He loves me more than the love that, at times, is more than words can adequately describe. 

More than THAT ^^^ 

This love is beyond my understanding and more than I can fathom.  I can barely find the words to describe the way I love, much less the way I am loved by the God of the universe. 

But because I do know HOW I love, I think I understand more of what it's like to love God back. 

God, who seems so close and yet so far away at the same time. God, who is so much bigger and more amazing than I can comprehend. Who loves in the face of rejection, who meets hatred with compassion, who forgives time and again, who lets us choose Him, who grieves with us and for us. God, who always is and always was and always will be. 

God, who in His very nature IS love. 

Knowing that loving someone is a choice and knowing that God chooses to love me so unconditionally, flaws and all, and simply knowing that this love is perfect and bigger and better than the love I have ever had for anyone, makes me want to choose to love Him back. 

I don't know if that's how it's supposed to work, but I'm a work in progress. 

It's a wonderful thing, to be known and loved anyway. 

I'm not a writer, but my life is a story.

Donald Miller introduced me to the idea of my life being a story, about how a character undergoes challenges and comes out on the other end a different person.  

Character transformation.

Learning new things.

Learning tough things.

Also, unlearning things.

I think I'm in the midst of a character transformation.  I think I'm at a turning point in my story.  Don (yeah, I call him Don) tells a story about how he climbed a mountain with a group of people (which is a much greater feat than I'm describing) and how yes, they could have taken the easy road to get to their destination.  They could have even taken a bus.

But they didn't.  

And the view at the end was that much more amazing for it.

He said, "The story made us different characters than we would have been if we had skipped the story and showed up at the ending an easier way.” 

So, we push through the struggles, confusion, hurt, and exhaustion---because yes, it is exhausting. We ask ourselves terribly difficult questions.  We dig through introspective layers to get to the answers, sometimes only to find more questions.

And we come out on the other side, changed.  

I know what I want from this turning point in my story.

(that sounds controlling)

I want to be more compassionate.

I want to do things that matter.

I want to be more encouraging.

I want to be more in-tune with the needs around me.

I want to challenge myself.

I want to challenge others.

I want to have a better grasp on humility.

I want to learn to love people the way they need it instead of the way I want to love them.

I no longer want to be afraid of failing.

Oh, and, I want to remember that my story isn't about me, entirely.  We are all a part of something far bigger and greater.  As Don wrote, we are all trees in a story about a forest.

It's a challenging chapter, this one. 

And yet, it's overwhelmingly beautiful and it's full of undeserved grace.

Sometimes I'm complacent.

I think I forget to tell people who are important to me, just how special they are. 

For instance, take family. They're my family, they're going to love me no matter what because they've been around me my whole life. 

This way of thinking makes me lazy. 

It makes me stop trying. 

It makes having a passive relationship too easy. 

My brother, Jake, is a hardworking, determined, driven individual. He is quick witted, and talks very passionately about things that interest him or are important to him. I don't see him very often because he lives far away, but yet I don't tell him that I miss him when I do. I don't tell him how great he is nearly enough. 

My cousins Adam and Austin are two of the funniest people I know. They have a way about them that makes you feel right at home. They care about people and they love their family. When was the last time I told them how much I appreciate them? 

My mom and dad are empty nesters now and even though that's hard on them they love my brother and I unconditionally. They show us they love us day in and day out through their concern, compassion, and generosity. Am I reciprocating that? Am I loving them well?

It's too easy to become complacent in our relationships, especially the ones we know we will (hopefully) have for the rest of our lives. 

This makes me wonder how many other relationships I've hurt by busying myself with other things. And, on a deeper level, how have I become complacent, spiritually?

Which brings me back to these challenging questions...

How will those we love know we love them if we don't show them? 

How will they know how important they are if we don't tell them?

Most of the time, they won't. 

tiny humans, dreams, and loving well.

One time I had a dream that I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and my friend Sarah Beth told me to do "what makes my soul sing."  

(More recently, I had a dream that I bought a new kind of shampoo. Dream big, folks.  Dream big.)

So, what makes my soul sing?  What makes me tick? 

Good question.  I wish I had a concrete answer.  In its simplest form, I love to love.  My dream is to love other people, and to do it well.  But, what exactly does that look like..?

If you've read the "about me" description on this page, you'll know that amongst many of the hats I wear, there lies a nanny hat.  I watch twin almost-2 year old boys part time, and a sweet 3 month old baby girl part time.  I am proud of these children.  I am proud of the things they learn.  I am proud of the way they trust me to care for them.  I am proud that they not only expand their knowledge everyday, but that they teach me things too.

Yes, the children who cannot speak, wipe themselves, climb steps, or, in the baby's case, roll over, teach me about life on a regular basis.

I'm learning how to be patient.  I'm learning that everyone, even the tiny gibberish speaking humans, have love languages.  I'm learning the ins and outs of their personalities--- and how extremely important it is to understand another (in this case, tiny) person's needs and wants, likes and dislikes.  There is a reason for everything these little people do, be it love, jealousy, attention, communicating a need, or simply because it brings them joy.  They really are quite fascinating.

So, when I read in Matthew to protect the little ones, the Word warms my heart.  They are precious beings full of love and wonder.  They rely on those who are older, stronger, wiser to care for them.  

God puts these tiny humans in our hands and trusts us to care for them, love them, and bring them up to be good people and to make the world around them better.   

What a huge responsibility, and what a huge honor.  It's humbling, really.

Impacting little lives so that they can make a difference-- THIS makes my soul sing.

I have struggles, yes I do. I have struggles, how bout you?

Confession time!

I deleted my blog posts from two years ago because they were very personal and I felt exposed having so much of my life on the internet.   I usually tell people that I'm an open book, and I am.  So, what happened?  In a nutshell, I was afraid.  I was afraid of sharing deep, intimate parts of my life and then being rejected because of them.

Fun fact: I like being real with people.  I might even pride myself on it.  Confession #2, I'm a bit of a fake.  There are things that I don't want to talk about and there are things I will PRETEND I don't struggle with, when in fact, they consume a large portion of my thoughts.  I'm ashamed that they are my struggles.  However, God didn't call us into a life of shame.  Repentance, yes.  Shame, no.  Also, I've learned that when I can share my struggles, other people feel as though they can share theirs too.  It makes a world of difference when you know you're not alone.

I struggle with many things, more of which I will share in the future, but lately I've been struggling in my faith.  I'm a Christian, I love The Lord and I'm striving to live a life that pleases Him.  But, (of course there's a "but"), there are things that I don't know that I've experienced or that I understand, even though I'm a Christian and have grown up in the church (which really doesn't mean anything, forgive me.)  And, there's a LOT that I'm working on.

I don't know what people mean when they say they "heard the voice of God."  I've never audibly heard God say anything to me.  I don't believe that means He isn't speaking.  I think He speaks to me in other ways, and sometimes I'm not paying attention.

I also don't know what God's love "feels" like.  I know that I am loved.  I can pinpoint times in my life where I could see God paving the way for this or that or leading me to and from people and relationships to point me to something greater.  I can see God's hand in my life, but what does His love FEEL like?

Sometimes I don't want to read my bible.
  
Sometimes I do want to read my bible.  

Sometimes I forget that I need God, and then He reminds me that I desperately need Him.

Sometimes God doesn't remind me that I need Him and that scares me.

Sometimes I don't "feel" love toward people whom I love very deeply. 

I'm trying to get into the practice of loving people even when I don't feel like it, because I don't want how I act in love to be based off of how I'm feeling or not feeling at the time.  Feelings come and go but I want to love unconditionally, consistently, sacrificially, and with humility.  This is how Christ loved the church, and, it amazes me how He never stopped.  I don't always feel happy loving feelings toward my family, friends, or even sometimes my boyfriend (gasp!).  So, I'm working on choosing to love anyway, because Jesus loves ME anyway, and I know that I am very undeserving.

I am a very flawed human being.  I have many struggles.  

But, I'm loved anyway.  You are loved anyway.  We are all loved anyway.

And that's beautiful.